Dreaming Of A WEIRD CHRISTMAS, Tapeheads?! Let LUNCHMEAT Gift You With a Long List of Christmas Crashes, Bashes and Slashes to Make Your Holiday Movie Marathons More Merry, Scary and altogether WEIRD!!! DIG IT!
Season’s Meatings, Videovores! It’s that time of the year when slay bells are wringing and axe grinders are singing… and bad Christmas puns abound, as if there were no better words worth slinging! And after you’ve ripped the paper flesh from your gifts aplenty, and you realize your credit cards are maxed out from too much spending, there sits your VCR patiently waiting... for fresh VHS flesh to chew in order to make the season bright, illuminating your face with awe and with fright... to bring you yuletide evenings full of strange seasonal cinematic delights! Well, that’s just about what I got for a Christmas-themed cadence, my fellow festive film lovers, but now that it’s over, you’re in luck! Or something like it! In the spirit of giving, I’ve cooked up this here little collection of Holiday favorites to keep by the fireside (watch out - this thing’s flammable, man!) so you can drill your eyes into the weirdest reels of magnetic magic the low-budget universe has to offer… Some are classics, some are simply not. Some are seemingly from a different planet and devoid of any real plot. But all of them pack a punch bowl of sugary sweet cinematic satisfaction sure to make your yuletide viewing all the more merry, scary and altogether weird. Though this list is far from definitive, I can only hope you glean a few new merrymaking movie favorites that bring you joy for all your cinematic Christmas celebrations to come... ‘cause that would be pretty groovy. And away we go!
Old Grizzly Adams is trying to smoke some Nazis in this Christmas clunker that is just too ridiculous to miss! SMOKE 'EM IF YA GOT 'EM.
ELVES (1989) – Dan Haggerty aka Grizzly Adams is perpetually puffing on a cigarette and out to stop some Nazis in what is arguably the most indispensable holiday horror flick for fans of amazingly awful analog-only gems. A greazy, ghoulie-esque, open-mouthed “Elf” (notice the singular) is created by occult-obsessed Nazis to facilitate… GASP! A race of supermen! Can Grizzly stop the indestructible elf? Can he save the girl? Can he make it to the store for another pack of Camels on before it closes?! Implied incest, Santa stabbings, dreadful dialog and electrocuted boobies all await you in this laugh out loud Christmas cash in. This one is analog essential, Tapeheads!
THIS HOLIDAY! A FESTIVE FIGHT TO END 'EM ALL! SATAN VS. SANTA! Question is, who will get to wear the RED trunks?!
SANTA CLAUS (1959) - The insanely prolific Mexican movie mogul Rene Cardona directed nearly 150 movies and acted in just under 130, as well as spawned two generations of movie makers. Some of the more detailed oriented Videovores out there might recognize his name from low-budget trashterpieces such as NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES, BRAINIAC and a slew of SANTO pictures; but for most, his name is associated with this Holiday-themed freak out. Lucifer himself sets out to thwart Santa’s do-good gift giving this year by sending forth his demon minion Pitch, but Santa (with the help of Merlin the Magician!) is hellbent (see what I did there) on saving the spirit of Christmas. Besides the ludicrous plot, laugh out loud dialog and abysmal dubbing, there’s a scene that might remind you of a low(er) budget Bava complete with pyrotechnics and a (poorly) choreographed dance of the demons. At times surreal, at others unbelievably bad, but this particular crappy Christmas flick is guaranteed to entertain for all the weird reasons!
And that's EXACTLY why you don't wrap up pets as Christmas presents.
DON’T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS (1984) – If you’ve already watched SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT one too many times, try unwrapping this analog era gem for a change, man! In this less-celebrated Holiday horror from Edmund Perdom of PIECES fame, Santas everywhere are being maimed, murdered and chopped to bits. And their bits are being chopped, too! OUCH! Yes, death by straight razor, strangulation and a bathroom castration are just a few of the slimy, blood-spattered gifts that await you in this sleazy and violent low-budget blast.
Shouldn't the cover to this one be The Hulkster ripping the Santa jacket from his chest? C'MOONNNNN.
SANTA WITH MUSCLES (1996) – The Hulkster plays a filthy rich fartass who bumps his noggin’ and all of a sudden believes he’s Santa Claus. This movie is terrible in every way possible which makes it fun to watch if you’re the glutton for punishment type. Easily one of the worst movies ever made, and one of the hardest to get through. If you can stomach it, consider yourself a crappy Christmas cinema Champion, brotherrrr. Watch for Mila Kunis and Clint Howard in the mix.
This makes me feel like Santa is an alien... wait... no... that's later in the list.
TO ALL A GOODNIGHT (1980) – Here’s some obscure holiday horror celebration directed by David Hess (LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT) that’s really not as bad as most people think! Santa stalks a group of sorority girls (and their boyfriends) dismissing them in a variety of amusing ways including stabbings, slit throats, an axe in the head and death by a propeller blade! Plenty of kills, some boobies and a pleasing amount of gore, but the lighting in this one just ain’t that great, man. Overall, this is an early and underrated slasher for your Christmas cinema list. Also, this was made four years before SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT, and arguably the first slasher to feature a Santa-clad killer.
And for Xmas this year... A KATANA TO THE CHESTPIECE! Just what I've always wanted!!
BLOODBEAT (1982) - Okay, okay, this one’s a bit of a stretch, but since it’s set at Christmas time, I had to put it in here. I mean, a glowing samurai spirit stalks a family’s Christmas cabin getaway and dispenses of them via spiritual swords and arrows? And the samurai’s strength is linked to orgasms? I think? Lousy but lovable special effects, flying soda cans and blood o’ plenty make this weird, wonky and ultimately confusing slice of magnetic magic a must-see. Go on… use Christmas as an excuse to watch it. You won’t regret it.
Whoa, hey... Santa looks.... different... this year. WAIT... YOU'RE NO SANTAAAHHHHHHHHHNOoOoOOoo!
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (1972) – Starring Jessica Walter (of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and PLAY MISTY FOR ME fame) and Sally Field, here’s a less noted made-for-TV murder mystery / slasher hybrid concerning a Holiday homecoming for a set of sisters who are asked to murder their Father’s wicked wife. Sounds easy enough, but things get messy when a raincoat clad killer shows up picking people off with a pitchfork. Arresting suspense, sharp plot twists and superb performances make this an underrated Holiday horror that was decidedly before it’s time.
JUST PLAIN SCARY, FOLKS.
SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972) – Ho Ho Hold it, Videovores. Are you dreaming of a weird Christmas? This is it. Infamous for being the biggest assembly of yuletide yawns there is, but redeemed by its utter inanity, SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY spins the pointless tale of Santa stuck in Florida with no reindeer! Bummer! But the kiddies try to help him move his sleigh in various ways including employing a dude in a gorilla suit! It’s bananas, man! But alas, it doesn’t work and all seems lost. Until the Ice Cream Bunny shows up in a fire truck to save the day. Only problem? The Ice Cream Bunny doesn’t even have any damn’ ice cream! What is this shit?! This soporific slice of “cinema” was produced by a theme park called Pirate’s World in order to drum up some business, but since you’ve never heard of Pirate’s World, you can see what good it did. The release also includes a film called THUMBELINA that’s actually longer than the Santa bit. Hard-to-find and VHS only (save the Rifftrax version), this is pure cinematic junk food that’ll stick to yer teeth for many Christmases to come. Whether you likes it or not!
Professor Grampy finagling a wild wind-up turkey toy from the trash! YOU GO GRAMPS!
CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR (1936) – This one’s gotta be one of my all-time favorite old-school Holiday animations. You probably already know it, but maybe not by name. This Max Fleischer produced color cartoon appears on a profusion of collections, and concerns a group of kiddies at an orphanage who receive toys, only to have them self-destruct and seemingly turn Christmas into a catastrophe. But Professor Grampy sparks up a light bulb and pulls together every pot, pan and thingamajig around and makes some real magic happen. Historically notable as Professor Grampy’s only appearance in color, and without Betty Boop, this wonderfully fluid animation is still as fun to watch as it was nearly 80 years ago.
Oh, cable access... how you were the greatest gift of all.
THE DISEASE THAT STOLE CHRISTMAS (1995) – I’ve got the one and only Weird Paul Petrosky to thank for introducing me to this slice of cable access insanity. It’s beyond obscure, and unavailable on any format, but you can view a couple clips (which is enough) from this nigh unbelievable holiday obscurity right here. Oh, and while you’re at it, be sure to peep Weird Paul and all his amazing internet antics. He’s quite possibly one of the coolest people on the planet.
Yet another piece of obscure Christmas entertainment that lends to the belief that SANTA IS AN ALIEN. I want to believe.
GEORGE AND THE CHRISTMAS STAR (1985) – From the director of cult favorite HEAVY METAL (1981) comes this unconventional animated Christmas obscurity about a guy named George who is bored with his normal tree topper, and decides to slap together a spaceship to venture into space and snatch up the Christmas Star to perch on top of his tannenbaum. George blasts off almost directly into a black hole, befriending a robot named Ralph as they encounter a cast of characters from Space Pirates, to a captured astronaut to old Saint Nick himself. They even come across a group of outlaw space bikers called “Bell’s Angels”! WHOA! The cartoon is an adorable mix of two distinct animation styles: a SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK essence for the characters, and a more detailed MONTY PYTHON-esque style for George’s spaceship. It’s an interesting and cute contrast, and if you can withstand a few corny musical numbers, this just might be your new Christmas morning cartoon go-to. And speaking of new cartoon go-tos, be sure to peep the Holiday animation obscurity COSMIC CHRISTMAS (1977). Aliens come to Earth and learn the meaning of Christmas the hard way? DIG IT.
Honestly, what more could you want for the Holiday? GET ON AND GROOVE IT.
SANTA’S CHRISTMAS CIRCUS (1966) - Believed to be a lost film, this slice of Eastman Color Christmas delirium is saved by fellow obscure film nuts preserving the trailer online. Just from the little under two minutes offered, we get a glimpse of a misty magic carpet ride, a kid in a lion costume busting a backflip, low-budget puppetry (a reindeer playing a trombone!) a full-on wind-up toy town, cheapo cardboard electronics and, of course, a creepy clown named Whizzo. It looks like it was shot in one room for about $20… so I imagine at full-length, it’s a real brain melter, man. And, hey! You know there's a seemingly endless amount of end-of-the-year cinematic celebration to be had, so don’t forget about all of these Chrishmuch Clashucks (and not so Clashucks, too), mang! Just click the link, and you’re there, dude! The Magic Christmas Tree (1964) Christmas Martian (1971) We Wish You a Turtle Christmas (1994) The Man in the Santa Claus Suit (1979) Santa Claus (1985) Home Alone (1990) Scrooged (1988) Christmas Evil (1980) Silent Night, Deadly Night (5 of them! 1984 – 1991) Gremlins (1984) Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special (1985) Silent Night, Bloody Night (1972) Black Christmas (1974) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) Jack Frost (1997) A Claymation Christmas (1987) - Thanks to Uncouth for the reminder! Ernest Saves Christmas (1989) The Trolls and the Christmas Express (1981) Here Comes Santa Claus (1984) It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) Christmas Story (1983) Christmas Vacation (1989) B.C.: A Special Christmas (1981) Ace Ventura: Pet Detective – “The Reindeer Hunter” (1995) The Tick - “ The Tick Loves Santa!” (1994) Beavis and Butt-Head Do Christmas (1995) Santa’s Slay (2005) Female Trouble (1974) Scrooge’s Rock n’ Roll Christmas (1984) Ren & Stimpy: Have Yourself a Stinky Little Christmas (1991) It’s a Bundyful Life (1989) The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) The Twilight Zone – “The Night of the Meek” (1960)HAPPY HOLIDAZE AND MERRY MAGNETIC MUNCHING, VIDEOVORES!
PEACE, ANALOG, AND GROOVY GOODWILL TO ALL!
Josh Schafer